Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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