porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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