There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
