your room smells of hookers.
And success
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Never let your siblings swipe right.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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