She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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