sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
