The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
