dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
