I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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