why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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