there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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