Only a mothe r could love this liver
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
