You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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