ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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