we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
