You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
