I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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