Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize