Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
