I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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