You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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