I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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