Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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