my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
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