Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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