My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
