just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize