i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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