So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
