OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
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