If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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