wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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