dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
