So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
