He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
