why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
