3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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