Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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