conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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