we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
