dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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