Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
