I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
