Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
