Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
