If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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