We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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