Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
