I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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