Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
We named our party play list daddy issues
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
