walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just google imaged poop.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
