i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
