Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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