Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize