Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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