This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
