I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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